Here is an Ugly…

Tomorrow is Sanctity of Human Life Day, started back in 1984 by President Ronald Reagan.  The date was chosen to coincide with the 11th anniversary of the Roe vs. Wade. “We have been given the precious gift of human life, made more precious still by our births in or pilgrimages to a land of freedom. It is fitting, then, on the anniversary of the Supreme Court decision in Roe v. Wade that struck down State anti-abortion laws, that we reflect anew on these blessings, and on our corresponding responsibility to guard with care the lives and freedoms of even the weakest of our fellow human beings.” (excerpt taken from here)

This is something that, until recently, I did not fully comprehend.  I know what you are thinking: it’s when the kids came home & you became a family & the magical-roller-coaster of our family began…wish I was more mature & could say yes that is when the realization hit, but it happened last week.  One of my very dearest friends announced that she is pregnant.

I had wanted to be pregnant since the day I married my husband.  It was a desire of my heart. It was a life goal. It would justify of how I saw myself as a woman.  It would earn my spot in my marriage.  It was a way to leave a legacy. It was a way to spread my faith.  It was a blessing from God.

Then the ugly truth hit- it wasn’t going to happen.  You need to know that my husband was very okay with that.  Adoption had always been a part of the plan, the long, someday-in-the-future plan, but it was there, & he never made me feel anything less than wonderful in my role in our family.  God bless him for that!  But I let the ugly truth set in because in the midst of my waiting period, God allowed my friends & family to get pregnant & have beautiful, wonderful babies.  Deep down, I was so happy that God chose to bless them with children, but at the same time trapped in my own bitterness, jealousy, & the inconvenience of my circumstances that I had to distance myself.  I didn’t want my stench of ugly to ruin their joy.

Then we brought the kids home, & I became so focused on the new aspects of our life that I didn’t have a chance for jealousy to set in, but I wondered if it was still there.  I have a beautiful family, more that I could ever imagine, but had I given up the feeling of “failing as a woman” deep inside?

Then we were blind-sided. We were at our friend’s house celebrating his birthday with friends & family, and it became time for presents.  He opened up his gifts & then a family member became very concerned about getting the video camera to work, which I didn’t get because there was only one present left, and it wasn’t even for the birthday boy!  They slid it over to my friend’s mom & dad, and asked them to open up a late Christmas present. Inside were some very precious baby booties, & her mom looked up and asked, “Are you pregnant?”  His wife replied, “yes”, and the hugging began.

I sat at the opposite end of the table overrun with emotions, but for once, my vision wasn’t clouded by bitterness. I could hardly hold it together because I finally got it.    Joy came tumbling out, & I understood how a single baby can change every feeling in a person.  Unspeakable joy that still leaves me in tears, even while I type.

I was so trapped in my circumstance that I didn’t allow the miracle of life to penetrate my heart & open it up to the joy that it is.  I wish I could tell you that I had been better & realized this before our adoption was made complete, but God saw my struggle & filled those holes in my heart (apparently there were 5 of them).  I wish I would have been strong enough to revel in my friends’ & family’s amazing news because I robbed myself of unspeakable joy.  I see that now on the other side.

Oh, United States! Take off your bitter glasses, your unfair circumstances, your inconvenience, and your honor of the politically correct, and begin to value life.  We can’t choose which lives are worth it. It must be all of them.

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. John 13:34-35

At the dinnermesa,

Beth

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